Email "blasts" are rarely so...especially for those on the receiving end. Dull, uninspired, unwelcome and ultimately ignored. Almost always more a "pfffftttt" than a Pow!
And then there's Woot! Check out this email I got last week, which I will reprint verbatim:
WOOT, INC. INTERNAL EMAIL
STAFF EYES ONLY
Attention Woot employees -
We are now entering the final phase of preparations for the Woot-Off
planned for midnight tonight. This is when we depart from our usual deal-a-day
model and sell one product after another, offering a new deal as soon as the
previous one sells out. For some reason, Woot members like Andy continue to
have high expectations for this event. We must make every effort to ensure that
they feel disappointed and betrayed.
All workers should be physically
and mentally straining to make this Woot-Off a success, like every muscle in a
wolf's body strains to capture and devour its prey. We expect total compliance
with the following objectives:
- Make sure the stables are thoroughly cleaned and the horses properly groomed and shod. As you know, Commander Rutledge prefers to lead us on horseback during Woot-Offs. Charge!
- Customer Service department: all vacation requests for this week and next are approved. If you have not filed a vacation request, take one anyway.
- The little green pills in the kitchen are there to keep you alert and working. Take as many as you need. Officially, Woot does not believe in the concept of "overdose".
- Take at least one of our servers offline, just for laughs.
- Go to the landfill and dig up some more Sansa media players. If you see any Digipro Graphics Tablets (and you will), grab those, too.
- Place crap bags in company latrines so those orders can be "filled". To this end, the company will provide free lunch today from El Feo, the filthiest burrito joint in Dallas. Do your worst, guys.
- Neutralize all negative thinking among our members. We simply cannot tolerate any more posts like "do not want" or "Woot-Off killer". If electronic means like word filters and IP bans do not work, we must reactivate the rapid-response teams to physically eliminate all threats to our reputation.
- Last time, spot checks revealed that approximately 25% of products shipped are broken, incomplete, or excessively dirty. This is unacceptable. For this Woot-Off, defective shipments must make up at least 40%.
- Remind SmartPost that there's no need to hurry on these orders. Prompt delivery makes our customers spoiled and argumentative. Let them learn humility and gratitude while they wait.
Forward into battle! Remember: to give one's life for Woot is glorious!
Larry Stalin
eCommerce eKommissar
Woot, Inc.
THIS EMAIL WILL SELF-DESTRUCT IN 90 SECONDS
Lengthy, indeed. Goes against every rule. But compelling, funny, filled with "in jokes," and directed at a faithful clientele. Pokes fun at the foibles of the company, and is ripe for forwarding to a friend, if only to say "can you believe this?"
Of course, the Woot-a-thon was a massive success. Thanks to 453 words in black-on-white. No color, no pix, no sound, no lights. Compare this to the other newsletters or email offers that beseige you. And realize that despite all the wizardry brought to us by Web 2.0 and its cohorts, words are still important.
The right ones, though.