They say (and by "they" I mean the ubiquitous, anonymous statistical force that is oft-quoted and taken as gospel) that moving one's place of residence is one of life's most stressful events, next only to a divorce or death in the family.
The fact that I've had to wait three weeks to compose this post--and do so while sucking back copious amounts of red wine in a Toronto hotel room instead of my new home library--certainly adds credence to the claim.
The fact that I'm neither divorced or dead because of said move is a goddamn miracle.
Yes, I'm a little drunkish. And yes, I'm flush with the perspective of being weeks and miles away from the epicenter of the move itself. But to paraphrase Neil Armstrong, "That's one small move for a truck (distance between my old and new residence is about five minutes), one giant leap for my central nervous system."
So here's what I learned, not just this week, but over the past three, about moving and subsequent renovations of one's new home (that's the place above, albeit a few years ago; the heritage building is over 100 years old).
It's too late for me to do anything about this move anymore, but at least YOU can use it as a cautionary tale for your next one.
STARRING ROLE
Moving is like producing a Broadway mega-musical. You'll find yourself managing a cast of characters so bizarre that even the great Fellini himself would be too shy to dream up. Worse yet, your fingers will grow numb from massaging their overblown, yet fragile, egos. And like any great showbiz production, the initial budget is just a pile of bullshit used to entice the naive and starstruck...namely you. Welcome to the show!
TRUE ANSWERS
This is what I wish I had known. I asked, but somehow, the answers were far from the cold hard truth, which is:
- It will take way longer
- It will cost way more
- No matter what you do, it will break
- It's heavier than it looks.
THE LAW OF TIME
The most overused word and underused concept in moving--"Deadline"
IT MUST BE MAGIC
Cardboard boxes seem to be inanimate, but actually have a reproductive system that makes the proverbial rabbits seem sterilized. In a feat that would leave Criss Angel slack-jawed in awe, the more boxes you empty, the more seem to remain.
THE LAW OF COMPETENCE
The thicker the accent, the better the painter.
THE LAW OF IMPROVISATION
The fattest, stupidest doofus worker will use your new desk and your freshly-painted windowsills as a ladder to put up your blinds, requiring repairs that dwarf the costs of the blinds. And the desk.
THE LAW OF SIZE
No matter how much stuff you have, it's either way too much or not nearly enough for your new place. It'll never "just fit."
THE URBAN (OR SUBURBAN) MYTH
Don't fall for the myth that a garage sale will clear up your old premises. One man's junk is often just another man's junk.
CALL IT JUSTIFIABLE HOMICIDE
Killing the person who invented the cursed Allen Key.
THE THREE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS TO LEAVE FOR THOSE MOVING IN:
- Keys to the house
- The alarm code
- At least half-a-roll of toilet paper
THINK AHEAD!
Perhaps the most fun thing about moving is the fact that usually, you'll treat yourself to a bunch of new appliances or electronic goodies for the new place. Upon opening said goods, put all instruction manuals and warrantees in a waterproof bag and store them in a safe place. Once there, they'll be ready for one of the two times in the future they will be referred to--upon your next move...or upon your earthly demise.